The Not So Friendly Florist of Feet Street
by drivenbyrevenge
Summary: The wonderful world of Teeney Swodd and Lellie Novett! Johanna is a masculine emo, Anthony is quite possibly a hobo,Toby wears an afro wig, Pirelli is an Indian con-artist, and the whole story is just basically screwed up!  Exactly why you should read it!
1. The Worst Cheese in London

The Not So Friendly Florist of Fleet Street

Chapter 1: The Worst Cheese in London

**A/N: This story is a figment of my boredom!**

**Hey, I'm drivenbyrevenge…you may have heard of me from other Sweeney Todd fanfics such as "The Demon Barber is Alive!" and "Business Never Better". **

**This is my first "Sweeney" Parody; it contains a fair bit of swearing so if you have a problem with swearing maybe you shouldn't read on. **

**I've put the speaker's name in bold for your ease of reading…enjoy!**

**Warning: For anyone who likes Lucy more than Mrs. Lovett…this story might not be for you either. I'm pro Nellamin (Nellie + Benjamin) and I don't like Lucy much at all.**

**Okay, barber fanatics, read on and fall into the abyss known as my mind.**

The sky is dark and fog engulfs the city, London. A ship makes its way through a murky bay and a young man with a happy look, which does not match the weather, is standing at the bow.

**Anthony (the happy guy):** I have sailed the world…beheld its wonders from the black market to Aussies pirating this DVD…but there's no place like LONDON!

A man with a heap of dark eyeliner and a dark streak through his white hair, steps forward. He is brooding over what we, as an audience, shall presume is a memory of a better life and how it was snatched from him.

**Teeney (the Emo dude):** No there's no place like the black market….I mean, uh, London!

**Anthony**: Mr. Swodd?

**Teeney**: You are young…life has been kind to you….you will learn. There's a hole in the world like a great black pit and it's filled with cock suckers who can't handle it….so they ruin the lives of others…acting like magpies, ravens and plovers.

At the top of the hole…is where I sat…making mock of everyone below that…..I too, have sailed the world beheld its wonders…for the Black Market in India is as wondrous as DVDs but there's no place like home! (He clicks his sparkly, red heels together three times.)

**Anthony**: (face palm.)

The ship docks in the bay, the Emo dude and the fresh faced youngster step off. Under an archway Anthony glances at Teeney Swodd who has changed back to normal shoes now.

**Anthony**: Is everything all right, Mr. Swodd?

**Teeney**: (looking around evilly, eyes darting from building to building) I beg your indulgence Anthony; my mind is far from easy…In these once familiar streets I feel ghosts.

**Anthony**: No, you feel shadows.

**Teeney**: Huh? What?

**Anthony**: The line is this, "I beg your indulgence, Anthony, my mind is far from easy…in these once familiar streets I feel SHADOWS,"

**Teeney**: Are you sure?

**Anthony**: Positive!

**Teeney**: Only fools are positive, Anthony.

**Anthony**: (sighing and pressing his lips together) let's try it again!

**Teeney**: I beg your indulgence, Anthony, my mind is far from easy, in these once familiar streets I see…dead people. (His face is white and solemn before he almost collapses, laughing).

**Anthony**: (face palm.)

**Teeney**: Whatever….I have to sing that song about that whore wife of mine now.

Anthony steps forward.

**Teeney**: There was a barber and his wife…and she was a stupid ditz …a dumb ass barber and his wife….she was the giver of their daughter's life (duh, Teeney!) and she was such a cow.

**Anthony**: So?

**Teeney**: SHUT UP!!! I'M REMINISCING!

**Anthony**: Whatever…

**Teeney**: There was a perverted, asshole, mother fucking, ass kissing, paedophile judge who saw….that she was a whorish bitch!!

**Anthony**: Swearing enough?

**Teeney**: SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!! Now….where was I? Ah…yes! Who with a flick of his bloody wand banished the barber from his plate.

**Anthony**: Wand?

**Teeney**: Yes…this is Harry Potter!! Snape has a wand!!

**Anthony**: This isn't Harry Potter…in fact neither of us are even in Harry Potter!

**Teeney:** Shut up!!! Then there was nothing left to wait! And she would fall so soft, so young…so lost and oh so desperate!!!!!!

**Anthony**: I don't understand…if you hated her then shouldn't you be applauding the guy who took her?

**Teeney**: I have to have something to complain about or there wouldn't be a story line, dumbass!

**Anthony**: (rolls his eyes) Will I see you again?

**Teeney**: (Eyebrows hitting hairline) I really didn't think you swung that way, boy, but sure…I'll be around Feet Street.

**Anthony**: It's Fleet not Feet.

**Drivenbyrevenge**: No, it's actually Feet! CONTINUE!!!

**Teeney**: (strutting off) There's a hole in the world, like a great, black pit and it's filled with people who are filled with shit and the black market is too far away from London….

He finds himself glaring over at a pie shop…his old home.

He walks over the dirty, filthy, grimy, repulsive street and opens a door and looks into a shop, dirtier than the street.

A woman gasps and runs forward, pushing him onto a dusty chair

**Mrs. Novett**: Ah! A customer! Wait…what's your rush…what's your hurry?? You gave me such a…fright…you look white as a ghost! Half a minute…can't you sit! Sit you down…SIT!

All I meant is that I 'aven't seen a customer for weeks…Did you come here for some cheese, sir? Do forgive me if it's mouldy and gone off! It's not the best! But it's all I can afford…well; I think my ol' cow's 'ad the plague…and so does the bloody rest of London!

Mind you I can 'ardly blame 'em…this is probably the worst cheese in London…I know why nobody cares to eat it…I should know…I sell it! THE WORST CHEESE IN LONDON!

**Teeney**: I thought this was a pie shop.

**Mrs. Novett**: PIES!? HA! You're 10 years late, Mr. Sexy Eyes! (She perches herself on the table he is sitting at and forces a piece of rancid cheese through his gritted teeth.

**Sweeney**: OH MY GOD!! WHAT IS THIS!!!!!???

**Mrs. Novett**: The product of me ol' cow's sour milk, love.

**Teeney**: Clearly… (He spits the pie…I mean the cheese out of his mouth and onto the floor boards.)

**Mrs. Novett**: Well, whatever, sexy….I need to tell you about what happened to Lucy, now so let's go round the back.

**Teeney**: I'm not interested in you.

**Mrs. Novett**: Well…we'll see, love.

**Teeney**: No…no we won't

**Mrs. Novett**: C'mon, time for some gin.

**Teeney**: I told you…I'm not interested.

**Mrs. Novett**: (standing up and glaring down on him) GET YOUR SEXY ASS AROUND THE BACK SO WE CAN FINISH THIS BLOODY SCENE!!!!!

**Teeney**: You…you think my ass is sexy? (He looks at her with interest)

**Mrs. Novett**: Well…maybe…a bit...

**Teeney**: (shrugging) Well…you know after 15 years in a convict camp in Australia….you do a bit of hard labour, plus well I do work out.

**Mrs. Novett**: Oh…it shows.

**Teeney**: (standing up and walking to the doorway of the next room with Mrs. Novett) Well, thankyou…

**Mrs. Novett**: (stares at his butt as he walks through the door).

**Teeney**: Now, where's that gin?!

**Mrs. Novett**: Comin' up, sexy.

**Teeney**: I have a name.

**Mrs. Novett**: (smiley wickedly) BENJAMIN BARKER!!!

**Teeney**: Do I have to hit you over the head with a kettle?

**Mrs. Novett**: Can I tell my story now?

**Teeney**: Is about my bitch?

**Mrs. Novett**: Yeah.

**Teeney**: Go on…

**Mrs. Novett**: There was a barber and his wife….and he was goddamn sexy…a proper artist with a knife…but they transported him for life…ansd he was really hot! Barker...his name was…Benjamin Barker.

**Teeney**: Yes, thanks to you we already established, that he is my alter ego.

**Mrs. Novett**: He had this wife, you see…blonde little bitch, ditzy little skank…had no sense in her brain because she was a whore…poor thing, dumb thing.

There was this desperate man…wanted her to screw…he needed someone to do, every day he sent her a flower…but did she come down from her tower? Well yes she did, she went to live with the judge…strippin' for him each and every hour.

**Teeney**: No! He's meant to rape her and she's supposed to be heartbroken that she's lost me!!!

**Mrs. Novett**: This is a parody, love. (She twirls a bit of his black streak on her finger, which he snatches from her grasp.)

**Teeney**: Where is Lucy…where is my wife?

**Mrs. Novett**: She poisoned herself…dumb bimbo…arsenic.

**Teeney**: What for…I thought she went to live a sexy life with the judge…?

**Mrs. Novett**: Oh, yes, love, she did…for five years…

**Teeney**: Why five?

**Mrs. Novett**: Well that was when they cut off her credit card…and then Judge Turnip wouldn't get her another, so she committed suicide.

**Teeney**: It's Turpin not Turnip.

**Mrs. Novett**: Like I said before…this is a parody.

**Teeney**: Whatever…don't you need to reunite me with my razors now?

**Mrs. Novett**: Phh! NO! Ha…I sold them ol' things almost ten years ago!

**Teeney**: (shaking and twitching) You…you what??!!!

**Mrs. Novett**: I sold 'em!

**Teeney**: AAAAAH!! YOU BITCH!!! YOU'VE RUINED THE ENTIRE PLOT LINE!!!!

**Mrs. Novett**: This is a PARODY!! Drivenbyrevenge will work somethin' out!!

**Teeney**: (ignoring her) Oh…my precious shinies...why?....

**Mrs. Novett**: Oh…get over yourself!

**Teeney**: If I had my shinies…right now, I'd---

**Mrs. Novett**: Well you don't have 'em…so stop whining!

A noise like nothing else on earth is heard from outside…well, actually if you scraped a rake down a blackboard, while stabbing a rabid possum with a diamond encrusted sword, while twisting the vine of a man eating flower around your leg, while clanging a few saucepans together…then you might have something similar.

**Mrs. Novett**: Bloody Hell, the flamin' oompa loompas are fightin' again.

She rushes outside leaving an extremely bewildered Teeney sitting with nothing but half a glass of gin.

**A/N: Anyone like it? I'm sorry if you're blond, I know that a lot of blond people have gone on to lead relatively normal lives (Britney Spears, anyone?) but…well, I really don't like Lucy much, sorry! I would love reviews for this because I've never written a parody before…the next chapters should be funnier. **

**Review please, your opinion means a lot to me! **


	2. I'm an Emo Kid!

The Friendly Florist of Feet Street

Chapter 2: I'm an Emo Kid!

**A/N: I own nothing! **

Mrs. Novett has forced the oompa loompas into an orderly line. Now, Teeney can clearly see that there are eight of them.

**Teeney: **This is where my oompa loompa slaves ran off to!

**Lellie Novett: **Since when did the demon barber of Fleet Street have slaves?

**Teeney: **Uh…I'm not exactly sure…I think I owned a chocolate factory in a past life…and BTW, cheese bitch, I am not THE DEMON BARBER OF FLEET STREET! I AM THE something something OF FEET STREET!!!!

**Lellie: **Something something?

**Teeney: **Well, I don't know what I'm going to be yet!

**Lellie: **Ah, touché, Mr. S!

**Random Oompa Loompa with the gift of speech: **The orange skinned people shall rule the night! MWHAHAHA!!!

**Lellie: **Scat…SHOO!! (She waves her hand at the strange beings).

The Oompa Loompas shuffle out, chuckling and mumbling about 'plans for the future'.

**Lellie: **Weird….Anyway, so, the deal is: I make pies and you kill people with your razors, those people then make up the pies.

**Teeney: **Um, reality check, Lellie: You make cheese and in case you've forgotten: YOU SOLD MY SHINIES!!

He sticks his tongue out at her.

**Lellie: **Well…I guess that Tim Burton's plan is wrecked; we'll just…have to make it up as we go, eh, sexy?

**Teeney: **(face palm)

**Lellie: **(winks suggestively)

SCENE CHANGE!!

Anthony strolls down the road reading the latest Playboy magazine. Eyes glued to the swimsuit models, he realises that he is lost.

**Anthony: **This isn't Hyde Park…

He sits on a bench and closes the dirty magazine.

He can suddenly hear a dull, monotonous voice echoing from the window above him.

**Goanna: ** I'm an Emo kid! Non-conforming as can be…you'd be non-conforming too if you looked just like me!

I have paint on my nails and make up on my face…I'm almost Emo enough to start shaving my legs (this is the part where we question the gender of Goanna; she holds her frighteningly hairy legs to the window)

'Cause I feel really deep, when I'm dressing in drag…I call it freedom of expression, most just call me a fag, 'cause our dudes look like chicks, our chicks look like dykes, 'cause Emo is one step below transvestite!

**Anthony: **What the fuck…?

Anthony sees an overweight, teen girl, who may actually be a guy, sitting in a window above him.

She's wearing a shirt with the slogan: 'Stabby…Rip…Stab, Stab!', her skinny leg jeans have been cut up to her butt and her oversized posterior threatens to explode through the thin denim.

Her legs are wild with masculine hair (I'm aware that this is not an Emo stereotype!).

Her hair is black with red and yellow ends and flops over one of her eyes. In one ear she has ten earrings, through the other; there is a piece of barbed wire.

But of course all Anthony sees is the one 'good' thing about her. Her breasts are a size unknown to man-kind and seem to take over the room.

**Anthony:** NICE!

The door opens and a man with thinning grey hair and the tight pants of a transvestite steps out and sees Anthony.

**Judge Turnip: **I am not a paedophile, but just to make sure, you should come in here and undress!

**Anthony: **(shrugs and walks in)

Once they are in a small room with a few chairs, the Judge changes into a wild, ferocious, dragon/reptile-ish thing and flaps around above Anthony.

**Dragon Turnip: ** YOU STOLE THE LIGHTNING BOLT! YOU STOLE IT!

**Anthony: **Wrong movie….CAN I PLEASE GET SOMEONE SANE TO WORK WITH??!!!

**Drivenbyrevenge: **NO! Oi, Turnip…you aren't even in Percy Jackson, dude!

**Turnip: **(turns back to 'normal'). Oh…I wish someone had told me before I went and embarrassed myself…

**Driven: **(face palm)

**Turnip:** (pressing his face up to Anthony's, allowing him to smell his indescribable (in a bad way) breath,) YOU! YOU GANDERED AT MY WARD, GOANNA, YOU GANDERED AT HER! GANDER GANDER GANDER GANDER GANDER GANDER GANDER GANDER!!!! (He trails off but continues to mutter the word under his breath.) gander….gander…gander……gander…gander…gander…gander…..

**Anthony: **Okaayy….Backing away now…

He backs into a bug, a giant, fat, bug, near the door.

**Anthony: **Aaah, what is that?!

**Drivenbyrevenge: **It's priest, have a little priest!

**Anthony: **NO, really…WHAT IS IT?!

**Beetle (the bug): **I'M THE BEETLE, I'm round and fat and have an interest in teenage boys!

**Drivenbyrevenge: **(face palm). The word is: BEADLE not beetle!

**Beetle: **Well, I can't very well be a beadle when I am in fact…a BEETLE!

**Anthony: **I get the feeling that this story has lost the entire value of the real plot line.

**Drivenbyrevenge: **Yeah, don't worry…you'll get that some times but…you know, it'll go away with help from our good friend alcohol!

**Beetle: **So, Boy…you'll call me?

**Anthony: **You're asking whether or not I'm going to call you, possibly for a sexual rendezvous, despite the fact that you are an insect?

**Beetle: **You've never had it kinky have you?

**Anthony: **Not with a beetle!

**Turnip: **Ooh, trust US, it's good!!

**Drivenbyrevenge: **Eww…that's really gross, why don't you go ad spy n your sulky ward now?!

**Turnip: **Good idea, one of these days she'll have to be doing something other than sewing!

**Beetle: **My Lord, We'll get her, soon, my lord, my lord, my lord

**Driven: **(whispers to Anthony) You should get out of here now, before they start up about the kinky bug, sex thing.

Anthony nods and scurries out to the street outside.

**Anthony: **(making squeezing motions with his hands in front of him.) I FEEEEL YOU, GOANNA! I FEEEEEEEEEL YOU!!!

Do they think that shirt can cover you…even now I'm thinking of you; I want to be in bed beside you….BURIED SWEETLY IN YOUR MASSIVE BOOBIES!!! GOANNA!!!

(He skips off, singing about boobs.)

**A/N: I do not own Sweeney Todd, The Emo Song, Goanna's Boobies or Oompa Loompa slaves! However, I do own an extremely battered copy of "East of the Sun and West of the Moon and Other Tales".**

**Reviews…?**


	3. Vortex Sex

The Not So Friendly Florist of Feet Street

Chapter 3: Vortex Sex

**A/N: Hello Puny Earthlings…mwhahaha!!!!!! Reviews??**

**Please. Or I could send you a free voucher for Mrs. Lovett's pies….or maybe you'd prefer to visit Sweeney Todd's Tonsorial Parlour…and get the closest shave, you'll EVER have….XD**

Teeney is carefully plaiting his black streak and singing loudly as he does so, while sitting under a tree outside in the nice sunny, sunny, sunshiny, sunshine.

**Teeney: **Sunshine, lollipops and pineapples…rainbows, chocolate, Gerard Way and Paris Hilton…Lucy is a cow…

**Lellie:**(Walking over to the mad man). So, hot stuff…You know that Gerard Way and Paris Hilton aren't even born yet, right?

**Teeney: **Uh….my name isn't 'hot stuff', wench. Anyway isn't it about time that I had an epiphany?

**Lellie: **(Half Swooning half Sitting down next to him) What's an epiphany?

He stops plaiting his streak and flicks it back from his eyes and turns to look at her.

**Teeney: **Actually I don't think we're doing all this in the right order…but anyway I don't know…do you have anything that could help us find out?

**Lellie: **(Reaching into her bottomless bra and pulling out a piece of rotten cheese with an aura of green around it.) I sure do! My lucky piece of time travellers' and dimension changers' cheese! It can transport us to the Simpson's Universe!

**Teeney: **The what now?

**Lellie: **Just bite the cheese, Einstein.

**Teeney: **(Shrugging and biting the cheese) this better work….

The cheese maker and the unemployed overly happy emo are suddenly sucked into a vortex.

**Teeney: **AAAAH!!! All these people look just like me!

He screamed as they were pulled past flashing images of Captain Jack Sparrow, Willy Wonka, The Mad Hatter, Edward Scissorhands, and various other, not so well known, so I won't bother mentioning them, Johnny Depp characters.

**Lellie: **Where are my characters?! (Pouting and crossing her arms as they spin wildly towards another black hole.

**Teeney: **Meh…driven probably couldn't be stuffed mentioning them.

**Driven: **(Randomly appearing wearing a t-shirt with the words: 'Johnny Depp…I will have YOU…soon enough…') Yeah, sexy, you're right!

**Teeney: **Argh! Why does every one find me attractive?!

**Driven: **(Giving him a 'duh' look) Um…dude…you are!

**Teeney: **(blushes) Well…I…yeah I know, right, I mean…WOW! I'm so hot…

**Driven: **Don't get ahead of yourself there, bro. (Evaporates)

**Lellie: **She's right you know…and um (changes to fake 'sexy' French voice) we could uum…well, there's no-one around… ehehehehehe (chuckles insanely still trying to maintain the voice).

**Teeney: **I do not do vortex sex!

**Lellie: **Damn!

**Teeney: **Whatever, we're here now.

They step from the spinning hole into a brightly coloured town filled with yellow 'people'. Just as he is about to ridicule their cartoonyness he looks down at himself.

**Teeney: **AAAH!! HOLY MOTHER OF JEEBUS. I'M YELLOW AND I LOOK LIKE A CRAPPY SCRIBBLE!!!!!!!!!

**Lellie: **Join the club…(She glares at her new yellow glow).

**Driven: **(appearing again, because she's magic!)WOW….and I barely even like the Simpsons….

**Teeney: **What is that…(he is referring to the town stretched out before them).

**Driven: **It's Priest! HAVE A LITTLE PRIEST!

**Teeney: **(Shoots)

**Lellie:** Where'd you get a gun?

**Teeney: **Never you mind…

They advance forward with their new yellowness. Into a strange place filled with shops and flashy lights.

The town is strangely empty but soon enough they see that all of its people are watching from windows at the strange newcomers. After glancing around some more they see that they are in a giant dome.

**Teeney: **DOOOOOOMMMMMEEEEE!!!!

**Lellie: **(face palm)

**Teeney: **Hey look! A motorbike…we can ride that to Alaska!

**Lellie: **Why are we going to Alaska?

**Teeney: **DUH! Because that's where the Indian, boob, lady lives! She can tell us what an epiphany is!

**Lellie: **(shrugs) Whatever, How did you know what it was anyway…and how do you know how to ride it?

**Teeney: **I'm a witch.

**Lellie: **Really?

**Teeney: **Definitely.

**A/N: Okay…so Teeney's a witch! Cool! No more chapters unt****il the review count gets to 6…that's four more reviews, minions…ahem…friends: D**

**Oh and just so you know me and my sister, Eliza (aka my helper when my inspiration is between a shadow and a trick of light) have plenty of fun stuff planned for the future so review if you want to read it!**


	4. BAM!

The Not So Friendly Florist of Feet Street

Chapter 4: BAM!

**A/N: Thanks everyone for the reviews and I'm sorry for not uploading, I've been extremely busy. This chap gets dedicated to Evil Robina for her uber inspiration, oh and too her cousins that I've never met.**

Mrs Novett is watching Teeney ride around in circles on the motorbike.

**Lellie: **Whatever are you doing?

**Teeney: **Warming up the bike, you stupid hag, now get on!

Lellie rolls her eyes and gets on the back of the spluttering motorbike.

**Lellie: **Uh…so where to?

**Teeney: **Um…I'm not sure.

Suddenly, the motor bike explodes and the two of them feel themselves tumbling through the air…they open their eyes and find that they're on the street in front of the cheese shop.

**Lellie: **What the FUCK?

**Teeney: **Well….

**Lellie: (scooping herself up)**….That failed….

They walk into the pie shop, confused and tired.

Teeney sits and pours himself a glass of gin.

**Lellie: **I suppose you're going to ask why the rum is gone…

**Teeney: **Huh? What rum? Where? What are you talking about, wench?

**Lellie: **Never mind…

SCENE CHANGE TO ANTHONY.

**Anthony: **(staring up at Goanna in her window) I FEEEEEL YOU!

**Goanna: **(Throwing down an empty beer bottle) Piss off, you fuckin' hobo!

SCENE CHANGE TO ST DUNSTAN'S MARKETS.

Lellie and Teeney are walking through the bustling markets.

**Lellie: **He's 'ere every Thursday…French…or Spanish or somethin' he is…best thingasmajigamajig in London, they say.

Teeney rolls his eyes as they walk toward a small boy wearing an afro wig, holding up a bottle of what appears to be a cleaning product.

**Toby: **BAM!

Suddenly, an, obviously Indian man wearing a sparkly yellow jumpsuit and a turban appears

**Pirelli: (In a thick Indian accent) **And the dirt is gone.(he goes back behind the curtain.)

**Toby: **BAM!

**Pirelli: **(Jumping back out, this time holding cheerleading pom poms) and the dirt is GONE!(He goes back again.)

**Toby: **BAM!

**Pirelli: **(Leaping onto centre stage clutching a square of four grimy white tiles.) AND THE DIRT IS GONE!

Mrs Novett and Teeney exchange glances and both roll their eyes.

Toby squirts the grimy tiles with the bottle.

Supposedly the dirt of the tiles is supposed to melt away, but nothing happens.

Looking around at the crowd nervously the Indian rubs it on his sleeve and removes a small portion of the dirt.

**Teeney: **Mrs. Novett? Do you have a bottle of perfume with you?

**Lellie: **(nodding and giving him her bottle of perfume from inside her purse) Of course…careful…it's French.

Teeney pockets the perfume and the boy in the afro wig continues, he throws a few bottles of the stuff into the crowd and sings.

**Toby: **Ladies and gentlemen! May I have your attention, puh-lease!

Do you go to your bathroom, only to see that your tiles are all grimy and plagued with disease? …not leavin' your eyes at ease!

Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, from now on you can walk in and seeeeee that with Easy Off Bam, grime and soap scum cleaner your wall tiles have truthfully never looked better!

Gentlemen you are about to see somethin' what got a good clean….Now bow down to its sheen!

(He brandishes the grubby tiled square to the mumbling crowd).

Twas, Easy Off Bam, that's what did the trick sir…true, sir, true. Was it quick, sir? Did it in a tick, sir, just like Easy Off Bam, ought to do.

Wanna buy a bottle mister? Only costs a penny, guaranteed. Does Easy Off Bam, clean off all the germs, sir? You can 'ave my oath, sir, 'tis the best. Spray it on the tile and watch the grease unpile, soon you'll not be usin' none of these!

(He holds up armfuls of other big brand cleaners).

**Teeney: **Pardon me, ma' am what the fuck's he doing?

**Lellie: **I think he's tryin ta sell a household cleaning product used mainly for tiles in kitchens and bathrooms.

**Teeney: **Well,why the fuck's he doing that?

**Lellie: **Well, because they're broke.

**Toby: **Buy Easy Off Bam, the best household cleaner, anything what's black sir, soon turns white.

(Racist, much?)

Try Easy Off Bam, when they see how clean, sir, your walls will not be as dark as the night!

(he looks eagerly at a woman.) Wanna buy a bottle Misses?

**Teeney: **(Holding one of the bottles being passed around.) What is this?

**Lellie: **What is this?

**Teeney: **(Sniffing the contents.) Smells like bleach..

**Lellie: **(Sniffs.) Smells like….wow, whaddaya know, it does smell like bleach.

**Teeney: **This is bleach, cheap ass bleach.

**Toby: **Easy off Bam'll eliminate the dirt, sir!

**Teeney: **Why would you even bother? It does not work!

**Toby: **YES! Get Easy Off BAM! Use a bottle of it, Guarenteed your walls'll love it.

**Lellie: **Druggos do to.

**Toby: **(Breaking from song.) How does that work?

**Lellie: **Idunno…(Shrugs.)

Suddenly Pirelli bursts through the curtain again, still wearing the outfit, but this time, with a bright pink, velvet, cape around his shoulders.

**Pirelli: **I am an Indian salesman I wish to know who is it that is implying that my Easy Off Bam product which now comes for a two for one deal is merely jut cheap bleach!

**Teeney: **(Smirking) That would be, I. I have been through many a bottle of bleach in my time as a cross dressing maid in a convict camp…and I say to you, that this 'product' is nothing but bleach, barely fit for my hobo friend, Anthony.

**Anthony:** (In a whining tone.) Heyyy! Why does everyone think I'm a hobo?

**Lellie: **Do you HAVE a house?

**Anthony: **No, but…

**Lellie: **Exactly.

**Anthony: **But!

**Teeney: **Seriously, you're not even in this scene…hobo…

**Pirelli: **(?)

**Teeney: **Sir, on the price of…oh say…if I win…I get, hhhm…that turban and if you win…not likely, you will get…my wench, Mrs Novett. (He nods down at her.) I challenge you, TO A DUEL TO THE DEATH!

**Pirelli: **The…the…the death?

**Teeney: **No not really, it's just good advertising.

**Pirelli: **Fair, enough…(Grabbing a bottle of Easy Off Bam!)

**Teeney: **(Twirling the perfume bottle in his fingers like a gun.) Let's get it onnnn like Donkey Kong!

**Pirelli: **(singing, still with the Indian accent, saying 'l' instead of 'r'.) But, I'm only gonna bleak bleak bleak bleak BLEAK your heart! Yeah, I'M only gonna bleak bleak bleak bleak bleak your HEA-ART!

**Teeney: **(Face palm)

**Lellie: **…I'm only gonna bleak…bleak bleak bleak bleak your…hear—What? It's CATCHY!

On the stage with the crowd waving flags for either person, Teeney and Pirelli squirt the Easy Off Bam and French perfume at one another.

Pirelli bows down, screaming at his stinging eyes.

Without a word, Teeney bends and picks up the turban from the Indian's head, he then places it over his head and bows.

The crowd erupts in cheers.

**Pirelli: **NOOOOOOOOOO!

**Teeney: **YEEEEESSSSSSSSS!

**Anthony: **MAAAAYYYBBBBBBEEEEEE!

**Toby: **HOBO!

**Anthony: **I'm not a HOBO! (facepalm.)

**A/N: I don't own ST, easy off bam, Hobos or turbans or afro wigs, but I do own a tub of green play-doh…all hail the mighty play-doh.**

**Fave this fic if you love play-doh…and you know you do!**

**Reviews, please my faithful friends :D**


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